Helping Children Cope with Death...

Earlier this month my hometown was devastated by the murder of a 13 year old and the murder of two young mothers. We are all angry, outraged, mad and disgusted from hearing of these deaths. Death is hard enough to understand, but trying to explain to a child what happened to their friend or their parent is even harder. I decided to give some tips on how to discuss death with children in terms where they can understand.

When death hit my home, all I could do was tell my son that his father went to heaven. I did not know what else to say. I let my son attend his father's funeral and let him know that this would be the last time he would see him in the physical form, but his dad will always watch over him. My daughter was 5 months at the time and was unable to understand. But as she gets older I take her to the gravesite and explain to her that her father is here and will always be her angel.

One thing that I noticed is children are able to adapt better to death then adults. Children do not realize the changes that will occur. But children are smart and they know that there is something different and they feel the loss. Children of different ages deal with and understand death in different ways. A preschooler will not understand death, as well as a 10 year old. We must explain to children about death in terms that they will understand.

Here are some tips to help you explain death to a child or children:

1. Religious: Seek God or your higher being for understanding. Teach your child how to pray and rely on the spiritual word for guidance.

2. Be honest: Tell the truth about what happened. Explain to the child about death and how final it is. Do not hide information unless the details are inappropriate for the child. Explain to the child in terms that they would understand (by age).

3. Emotions: Let the child know that it is ok to show their emotions. It is ok to cry, scream, show anger and etc. Do not hide your emotions, show the child how you are feeling because this shows the child that it is ok to express their hurt, anger and feelings.

4. Ask questions: Encourage the child to talk and ask questions. Clear up any confusion that the child may have about death. Find out what the child feels and thinks and correct any misinformation or misconceptions. It is important that they understand and accept what is happening.

5. Pace of the child: It is important to let the child reveal their feelings at their own pace. Do not push them to express their feelings. Just be available when the child is ready to talk, ask questions or just cry.

6. Childrens expressions: Allow the child to express their emotions in a journal, art work, dance, or outdoor activities. Let them know that it is not healthy to hold their emotions in and they can express their emotions in different ways.

7. More conversations: Have more than one conversation with the child. Over the years the child will have more questions and a different outlook on what has happened.

8. Outside support: Enlist support from outside such as school counselors, bereavement coaches or counselors and friends and family members. Make sure the child does not get depressed or down and out. If it something you are unable to handle, please seek professional help.

These are the things I used and are still using to help me with my children. I am blessed to still have both of my parents living so I do not know how my children feel. But I will help them get through this process, which will be a life long struggle. Children may not understand why this is happening and we as adults do not understand as well. But it is up to us to make our children feel comfortable.

Tanisha xoxo